Womens Pipeline Championship.
By Lego Man.
Like a dog returning to its vomit, I’m back again the next morning to watch the Wahine’s take on what’s left of a drooping swell. Wahine, for you uncultured swine is Hawaii speak for the woman.
I learnt that yesty after I’d just finished taking off behind the boil and deeper than Takayuki and every other muppet out Pipe after the Boog Jam finished up. I’d just been blasted out of the spit into the channel after a 12ft backside DK keg and almost ran over a big moke fella. As we paddle back out we were just behind two female surfers bedecked in what I can only describe as very brief briefs.
The big Moke fella turned his head towards me and muttered “So many Wahine’s out here Braddah”
Not one to back down from defending the honour of a woman, even when confronted with giant Polynesian blokes, I told him “Mate, bit farkin’ harsh calling them whiners, they’re just trying to get waves like the rest of us. I know some women can drone on a bit at times about equality and shit, but that’s just sticking up for themselves, not whining”.
The big fella looked at me flat for a coupla seconds, I’m sure contemplating trying to give me a crack on the side of the head before bursting out laughing in that high polynesian giggle.
“Not whiners you Ozzie dumbfuck, Wahine’s, da women folk braddah”
So I learnt somethin’.
Anyway, the Wahine’s kicked of their contest in the same way as the men, a quick game of Duck, Duck, Goose in a circle and then farkin’ into it.
I had a quick gander at the heat draw and fuck me if they’re weren’t some legend names scribbled up there. Claudia Ferrari, Leila Ali, Michelle Judy, Carol-Ann Phillips, girls that know their way around a good wave.
On the other end of that scale was a little tacker named Kaipoi’ Koa, at thirteen years old, apparently the youngest ever person to compete in a pipe comp. The little sheila gave it a nudge in her heat too, dropping her little frame into some mid size pipe pipes.
Watching the opening rounds it seemed that there were two different approaches going down in trying to progress through heats. The Wahines with big kahunas were trying to get barrelled, while others were seeking out the more open faces and packin’ in some tricks in the declining swell.
I’m sure you all know my feelings on anyone who bitches out of pulling into a pit, so I was tickled pink to see the judges rewarding the Kahuna totting Wahine’s with the better score for pits packed.
Now before we move on to who packed the winniest pits, I’d like to posit a genuine farkin’ head scratcher for this yellow lump; how do some of these sheila’s do those flat faced spinners, and do ya rate ‘em? It’s like they use their inside foot as a tail and whip ‘em around to get momentum….weird…. but smooth…. I dunno…works for some of ‘em…
Righto, pack ta’ pit packin’ and big kahunas.
Now the little Ozzie battler Lilly Pollard would be lucky to stand any taller than 5 foot 3. She’s so small that that 13yr old Kaipoi’ probably has her for height, but nobody stood taller than Lilly farkin’ Pollard in pit packin’ at Pipe. She dropped a 10 and 9.5 in her first heat which was more than the other three sheila’s in the heat scored combined!
She kept up her destructive ways for the rest of the event, again poppin’ up a 10er and and then capping off the final with another 9.5 for a deep backdoor keg to take the win over Jessica Becker (who had an 9 and an 8 of her own), the chick from the Toyota Hawaii ad Ayaka Suzuki Crilley and the face that launched a thousand Roxy swimsuits, the mountain charging Valentina Diaz.
Overall Top farkin’ shelf from the Wahine warriors and a big clap should go to Carol Anne Phillips and the Clam dragger Traci Effinger for putting the whole shebang together. The only suggestion I’d throw at ya’s for next year would be a rebranding.
While the “Pipeline Women’s Bodyboarding Championship” tells everyone exactly what they should expect, can your petrochemical publicist float the idea of the event being called….wait for it….”The Clam Jam” in moving forward?
This would bring both the men and women’s branding into line. Actually, I’d also suggest that the blokes adopt the idea of “The Dong Drag” name for their event next year.
“This week on ESPN, coming out of Hawaii, we have the Dong Drag closely followed by the Clam Jam”
I hope you Infoamed fuckers think you’re getting your crypto’s worth outta me.
Till next time meatbags….