Stuck In(to) A Jam.
By Lego Man.
Well, well, well said the farmer who dug three holes, looks like I’m back knockin’ out the best farkin’ prose there is or ever will be on the little dinky thing called boogie boarding.
I swore off ever clappin’ keys again but these Infoamed fuckers dumped 30 pieces of crypto into me account, so who am I to not play Judas is this little charade.
They also stumped up and sent me to Hawaii to cover these comps at piddly Pipeline, so fairs fair.
Righto, so the “Boog Jam”.
What farkin’ year is it again? 1952? I half expected to rock up to Miles Davis, Chet Baker and Shorty Rogers ripping out call and response Jazz riffs across Ehukia beach park.
Instead I found a bunch of half naked grown men holding hands in some sort of homo-erotic re-enactment of the opening scenes of “Lord of the Flies”.
I asked a bloke with impossibly white teeth and tanned skin at a “Sunrise Sack, or Shak” or some bloody thing tent where the bodyboarders were and he pointed back towards the holdy handy mob who were now having a great big happy swim together in the ocean.
Times sure have changed…..
Finally these fuckers had had enough of playing a Ring-a-ring-a-rosie for ten of ‘em mustered up the balls to paddle out to pretty cooking pipe. Cooking by you meatbags standards anyway, in Lego man speak I’d describe it as “semi-dribbly” but each to their own….
I won’t make you sit through a stifling play by play of the whole event, I’ve just cherry picked some of the not so shit stuff.
The first impressive wave of the comp was ridden by a boy masquerading as a man named Tanner. Not sure what the poor 13 year old did to deserve being named after a medieval trade frequently described as “odoriferous”, but that first wave certainly had a wiff of contest winner emanating from its bowels.
Iain Campbell is like the bog average bird you take home at the end of a friday night bender who surprises you by giving the performance of a lifetime. One barrel to invert off the end section will clearly feature high in the scoring if the judges know shit about shit, but if you’re a cynical old piece of petrochemical like me, you can’t help but ask was a solid barrel dodge on display?
Somehow a malnourished, presumably Italian bloke named Something Morrentino must have managed to sneak into the comp by paddling out with the Pros and embarrassed himself with the worst A.R.S seen outside of South America in the last 5 minutes. The little tacker did redeem himself a little with few nice airs and one tidy air reverse later on.
The fact that that wannabe Jacques Cousteau Kirkman bloke seriously though he had a shot at taking this thing out was good for a giggle pre-comp, but he did manage to find a few nice pits, presumably by telling the other farkers out there that as contest director he’d have them booted out of the comp if they didn’t give him waves.
One can only farkin’ wonder how GT went with the whole “gentlemans” priority system in place for the contest. Tamega is a throwback to the men of yore who bends nature and circumstance to his will by sheer determination and passion. The G-train did wrangle a nice backdoor pit and a few at Pipe but otherwise seemed quiet.
Jared Houston had no problem out Hubbing Hubb with a farkin’ redonkulous boost at backdoor that will surely win move of the contest.
Talkin’ about Hubb, I’m giving him the Prime Minister’s award because he seemed to go missing when the action heated up. Sure, he blasted a giant air rev at backdoor that was almost as farkin’ big as my standard ones but he was me pick to take out the whole shebang and I didn’t see much of him.
Now speaking of winners, Aussie actor Sam Worthington as played by Andre Botha is almost a lock for some sort of podium finish as the weathered San-Fran beatnik look-a-like rinsed his Japseye through tube after tube after tube.
Okay, I’m pretty farkin’ bored of this now so presumably you are to. I’ll leave ya’s with some other things to keep an eye out for if the APB ever get around to releasing their doco on this event, presumably as a DVD on the cover of a magazine because this mob think people can wait a month these days to find something out.
*Bitzer dragging his Bocas oxygen deprived and conspiracy heavy brain through a glassy keg in a 1970’s tube suit.
*Lesser Hubb and the bloke married to the hot female world champ wasting waves trying to dropknee.
*Thor Seraphin depriving us all of the spectacle that would have been foil boogie in serious waves.
*Whoever got the barrel of the contest on the red board and then followed it up with a jam cutty that any 12 year old with criss cross wax and velcro flipper savers would have been proud off.
Till next time meatbags……