Board Dumps 2.
By Dan Dobbin.
Drag: You’re a sucker for clever marketing and under 25 years old.
If the vapid world of social media influencers and viral content has taught us anything, it’s that substance doesn’t matter as long as you have a style.
As a nascent adult, your weapons against the world are the twin blades of sarcasm and irony, two qualities also found in abundance in the clever marketing perpetuated by the crew at Drag.
The creativeness and freshness of their films, the sub-cultural acceptance they’ve garner from the stand up surfing world, the hedonistic nihilism the brand oozes through its durrie smokin’, cross stance practicing, no fucks givin’in cadre of fringe surf stars means that this shit looks fuckin’ coool. And what’s more important to a just post-pubesent young bloke than fuckin’ feelin’ coool.
It’s an easy identity to adopt. You swaddle yourself in a non descript corduroy cap, mum jeans, a 30 year old Op Shop shirt you purchased for over $100 from an Etsy store and some brand new old school looking Vans. A carefully curated carelessness, visually ironic chic’, Mugatu’s “Derelicte” made real. It takes a lot of time and effort to appear this perfectly unkept.
Sure the rest of society think you look stupid, but right now you’re the new revolution, and we say soak it up, because you’ll never feel this cool again.
To show the world you don’t care about convention and that you’re the outsider rebel type, you purchase yourself one of Drags non-descript signature model “Meat trays” from corporate online retailer of action sports and street fashion Surfstitch. The same Surfstitch that has a media and marketing agreement with Stab magazine, which somewhat conviently also publishes lots of favourable Advetorials about Drags products, films and team riders.
Bellyboard: You were a mid-ability booger with a dyed black swept fringe in the mid 2000’s who listened to screamcore. Surfing has always been more of a performance piece than a pursuit of performance for you.
When the Hipster cultural asthetic began to bled into the surf world in the early 10’s it was an easy transition to a Longboard.
You’re swept fringe has been replaced with a dirty blonde 70’s mullet, you’ve grown the obligatory moustache and dutifully followed the trends down the “I’m a Waterman” rabbit hole becoming alternatively a Longboarder, midlength rider or bodysurfer, but never really becoming very proficient at any.
You’re been careful to skirt around your prone past, but miss the ability to get pitted on your guts. Surf mats carry solid hip cred because George Greenough rides them, but making a tube on one is just not happening.
Luckily you’ve discovered belly and cubic boards!
Offering you the ability to get barrelled, but different and alternative enough to still fit your carefully curated “free thinker” image, your idols are now 19th century Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw, John Wegener or 70 year old British grandmas from Cornwall.
Supreme: You’re so emotional barren you try to ease the suffering in your soul with material possessions.
The industry revolution unleashed the relentless march of Capitalism that has tramped all before it. The four horsemen of colonisation, automation globalization and digitisation has now rendered the world a neo-liberalist playground.
Rather than throw your body upon the gears and levers of the machine that grinds away tiny bits of your soul every day, you’ve instead chosen to grease it’s cogs with the blood of mindless consumption.
Our international, post-industrial societies has given rise to a postmodernist mindset that infects even culture and art. Everything, everywhere, is commodified and consumable.
In the vacuous emptiness of the modern world, where truth is what you believe and status can be bought rather than earned you stand proud. By purchasing this board, you’re reached the apogee of a 300 year social engineering project that has led us to the brink of global environmental collapse and apocalyptic suffering for the masses.
But hey, you’ll be able to flip this for double its price before that happens.
Hot Buttered: You’re not sure how this board came to be in your possession because nobody has ever actually purchased one.
While Patterson and Gimlin were famously able to get footage of a big foot in Northern California in 1967, even in our modern CCTV and mobile at the ready modern culture, precisely zero footage exists of a transaction that involves the acquisition of a HB board.
Like De Beers diamonds or Bitcoin the sheer rarity of a board of this type should make them a valuable commodity, except that no market for them exists because, nobody, anywhere, at any time has ever wanted to purchased one.
The only explanation for how you came to be riding this board is that a friend or acquaintance must have at some point been sponsored by them, and as if by magic it’s made its way into your possession without you having any fucking recollection of where it came from.
Despite once featuring team riders such as Jason Spence, Rod Owen, Sean Virtue and Dan Fergus previously and currently having James Kates, Ivan Pulic and Sam Proctor on their team, HB boards are like the Stubbie holder of bodyboarding, because nobody, anywhere, at anytime, in any place has actually ever purchased one and yet somehow they turn up in your possession.