What your board says about you.
Old Manta: You bought this in 1992 and will never need to buy another board again because this is indestructible. The high density beaded polypropylene core and a slick harder than diamond mean that only it and cockroaches will survive global nuclear war.
The discovery of the Pub as you reached early adulthood meant that the old girl was retired to the back of the shed as Saturdays were spent recovering from hang overs, and Sundays were slowly given over to golf as your fitness declined and the waistline expanded.
Still every Xmas holidays you dust her off, strap on your matching Manta blades with the Creatures of Leisure fin savers, secure you wrist leash and puff your way into the line up to get sunburnt through your now see through two tone Billabong Rashie for your one surf of the year.
Science: Admit it, You only bought this for the colourway.
Ever since Mike debuted this colour combination on the original Turbo Pro Comp based on Superman’s suit, it has been the aspirational look for boogers around the globe.
You, like everyone else, grew up worshipping at the alter of Stewart. You patiently spliced together Stewart only VHS clip reels like Hardy or Rawlins did. You’d freeze frame every single wave from start to finish and jizzed in your black and red O’Neill wettie shorts when a mate managed to secure a copy of the never released ” Stewart’s View”.
However, your past forensic studies and pathological fanboying of the great Stewballs are of no help now that you’re really starting to age.
Completing and linking together basic moves has become more difficult as your flexibility and overall fitness levels have decline and your waistline has expanded. You combat this reality by now envision yourself as a great tube wrangler.
Every time you pony up on this classic colourway you astral project yourself into the mind of Mike and fantasize that you’re threading the 3ft beachies like Stews threads Pipe caverns. Deep in your soul you know it’s pretty pathetic that a grow adult is still playing dress up, but the magic elixir of that blue, yellow and red gets you every time. Plus, now you’re going bald you’re even starting to look like the great man.
BSD: You know they’re dogs to surf, but your in the VBC so you’re obliged to own one and pretend to like it.
Only two people on the planet can make a board with such a high wide point and boxy template work, one being Sevo himself, the other the Californian ghost who walks Chad Barba, and you’re neither.
What you are is middle aged, middle aged with an understanding that adulting sucks, and a subconscious pining for your carefree adolescence when the boogin’ obsession was strongest.
This nostalgia has seen you fall in with the trainspotting types who call themselves “collectors”, (which is a nice way of saying hoarders) on Facebook who have annointed Sevo as their patreon saint, and thus seek out and worship his unfunctional rectangles like holy relics.
It’s an easy community to win popularity points in. All you have to do is collect as many shitty old boards that should be taking up space in landfill as you can and stack them up in your garage. Every now and then you take a picture of one and post it on the VBC page unsolicited, like a dick pic, and then other blokes put their pics up and everyone decides who’s is the biggest, ummm, the best.
NMD : You hope a board with so many bells and whistles will improve your mediocre ability and serve as a solid anchor for your GoPro tail pole.
You love boogin’ and it still forms the basis for you’re identity, but for all the hours you’ve spent study and doing it, you’re still only a moderately skilled rider. Because of this you’re always thinking of ways to improve your riding.
This usually involves buying the newest and most expensive boards available with all the gimmicks that promise to elevate your surfing skill from average to average with the latest, coolest gear.
Even though you’ve a student of all things booger, for some inexplicable reason you still make the rookie mistake of employing a criss cross wax job to the boards deck.
Despite spending over half a grand on the most expensive board on the market, you’ve had no qualms in filling it full of holes to secure a tail mount and nose mount for the latest GoPro camera to film your mediocre surfing that you can plast all over social media.
Because, what’s the point of having the best equipment if you can’t show it off to the rest of the world.
Part 2 soon….