Outta Ma’ Way Kooks (And Sharks)!

Outta Ma Way Kooks And Sharks!

By Dan Dobbin.

‘Merica gunna ‘merica.

Let’s face it, crowds in the line up and fucking sharks really are getting out of control these days.

It’s not going to get better.

Surf craft and surfing related product sales have BOOMED in the Covid era as people find themselves either unemployed or operating under flexible working hours from home.

Great White Shark attacks on surfers have BOOMED thanks to their increased numbers from their protected status and the protected status of their yummy yummy whale meals.

It can be a frustrating and frightening time to be a wave rider. Fortunately Hawaiian legend Hauoli Reeves knows that there’s no better time to be in possession of a gun than when you’re frustrated or frightened.

The visionary was spotted during the U.S memorial day weekend slipping into a few crystalline caverns at Sandy beach brandishing what appears to be an M-16 assault rifle, that wonder of U.S. engineering famous for constantly jamming during the Vietnam war and potentially getting many soldiers killed.

Now a first glance it would probably be safe to assume that Hauoli’s weapon might have just been a replica rifle. However with the Hawaiian islands having fallen foul of a U.S. coup that overthrew the royal family and annexed the islands in 1893, it is after all bona fide U.S. state. And America sure does have some “alternative” ideas about where, when and how it’s appropriate to have and use guns, so we can’t rule out totally the idea that Hauoli was shooting the curl while shooting the curl with a genuine bitta bang bang gear.

Now Hauoli’s always been ahead of his time in the water and we think that he may have done it again by taking the bold step of introducing rapid firing assault weapons to the surf zone.

Imagine your flying down the line at a crowded break and someone has the audacity to drop in on you. Laying prone you’re already in the most stable firing position. A quick double tap to the centre mass would resolve the drop in issue quickly and efficiently. You’d only have to do it once and everyone else would get the message it’s not wise to fade you. To be honest the way in which the U.S. racks up gun massacres and homicides from gun violence, a shooting of this kind probably wouldn’t even make the news cycle or even be investigated.

The other benefit of packin’ heat while paddling out would be for dealing with those pesky predators who seem to be fond of taking large chunks of muscle mass from the thigh area of unsuspecting victims. It is debatable whether you’d be able to accurately loosen an accurate volley at a 5 metre torpedo erupting from the deep at high speed.

However, you’d be the most popular bell at the ball if someone else in the line up got hit and you were on hand to unload a clip into sharkies fishy face, thus saving the day. As we all know the only way to stop a bad fish with some teeth is a good guy with a gun. At the very least your pea shooter might come in hand as a euthianising tool post bite.

The only issue we can see is that it might be a little tricky to secure guns for some aquatic marksmanship here in OZ after cricket tragic and former conservative Prime Minister little Johnny Howard introduced strict gun control measures when Martin Bryant killed 35 innocent people at Port Arthur in 1996. Bryant’s weapon of choice that day was an AR-15, which is the commercially available civilian version of an M-16, the same weapon Adam Lanza used to kill 20 children and 6 teachers in the Sandy Hook elementary school massacre in the U.S. in 2012.

Weirdly, in the proceeding 25 years since the introduction of the gun control measures, Australia has never had another mass shooting incident. Conversely in the 9 years since 6 and 7 year olds were gunned down on a regular day at school at Sandy Hook, the U.S. has experienced 2,654 more mass shootings, nearly 300 a year, or close to one a day. With 225 mass shootings to date already this year, it looks like 2021 is well on track to becoming the deadliest year in the U.S. ever.

No word yet on the irony of Hauoli being draped in the flag of a colonizing power on colonized land while brandishing a weapon that the second amendment in the U.S. constitution says he can have so as to resist a colonizing power.

More as the aquatic warfare develops….

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