By Subcomandante Marcos.
I write to you not out of desire, but of necessity.
As any good military strategist knows, the warming and lengthening of the days that mark the arrival of spring are the best time to launch an offensive. Great would-be conquers like Napoleon and Hitler made the mistake of taunting the power of “General Winter” at their own peril, we did not make the same mistake.
We have not been idle during the dark days of Winter, far from it. Indeed, when history looks back on the success off our mighty endeavour, it may well be sumized that the critical work done at this time was the true springboard for our victory.
Phase one of “Operation Monochrome” was of course the development of the virus, not in Chi-Na as many believe, but jointly at our R&D facilities in Thailand and Indonesia.
It’s release designed to prompt the subsequent predictable government responses which have paved the way in teaching the general populous to follow arbitrary rules without question.
However Operation Monochrome almost fell into disaster immediately.
Our team of planners fell pray to the age old trap of not factoring in the role that human emotional fragility plays in real world scenarios.
In our first theater of operation, the Eastern seaboard of Australia, the core demographic of the bodyboarding brethren has historically been middle class males of Anglo- European decent.
White male dick draggers (WMD’s) are usually amoungst the most privileged and advantaged sections of Western Democratic nations. Financially comfortable enough to acquire housing that allows access to the coastline in under 15 minutes, facing no real barriers to social or community intergration, embedded in a culture and economy that is geared to cater to their every whim or desire.
Indeed the only experience of “discrimination” many WMDs have suffered has come from the occasional sharp barb from an even more entitled footboarder quibbling over which surf craft was best to tackle the semi- hollow beach break peak in their small coastal town 20 years ago.
Still, in these times of aspirational victimhood, the desire to be able scream ” me too” when debating real or perceived institutionalised inequality looms large in the heart of many.
And so the beginning of Phase one had the unintended consequence of galvanizing many WMDs against it as they did not yet grasp its full scope and purpose.
This has predicated the necessity of this communiqué.
For those WMDs scrambling around Facebook posts and Youtube clips, scratching below the surface to uncover the “truth”, emploring other “Sheeple” to wake up, we respectfully say stand back, but stand by. The unintended exposure of Operation Monochrome to the mainstream public as a consequence of desire to uncover the ” real truth ” will have disastrous consequences for the outcome of the secret conspiracy we are enacting to make bodyboarding great again.
And so, it is with the utmost appeal to your secrecy and discretion that we reveal the entire scope of Operation Monochrome.
Just like the virus, Phase two of Operation Monochrome has involved the infiltration and wresting of control over entities in order to hijack them to use for our own means.
This has involved gaining control of local coastal Councils and Surf Life Saving movements in the Northern Beaches region of Sydney to serve as a test facility of rolling out a set of rules and practices designed to take back the beaches for bodyboarding.
Extensive modelling research and historical analysis has determined that at its peak (1980’s / 90’s), the partaking of bodyboarding was a highly visible pastime at suburban coastal beaches.
An exerpt from the 10.T.I.H.A.Y. paper prepared earlier this year by head of the suburban affairs bureau Comrade Carestia concluded:
“Problem is, bodyboarding is so underground, that there’s rarely a great rider out in the water at a beach to make a kid down there in the flags go “Whoa! I wanna do that! Mum, dad, I want a boogie!”.
The blueprint for phase two of Operation Monochrome is embedded in the release by the Northern Beaches Council of their ” Covid-19 Summer Action Plan for Outdoor Public Spaces”.
As part of the plan council employed lifeguards are now encouraged to “activate additional flagged swimming areas as required and where practical to reduce crowd density”.
Fibreglass craft like surfboards are banned within flagged areas, soft craft like bodyboards are A-OK.
More flagged areas means those wanting to access waves in those spaces will be forced to lean towards bodyboard use, while limiting access to waves for footboarders. Increased sales will pumping cash into the bodyboarding industry whilst simultaneous giving the coup de’ grace to an already bloated and ailing surfing industry.
Just as the British empire of the 18th and 19th century flourished on the control of ocean space, it is here we will give bodyboarding the platform to once again dominate the surfing world.
Built upon the success of these additionally flagged areas and a now conditioned and docile public, phase 3 of Operation Monochrome will then see the banning of all fibreglass craft from beach areas, allowing bodyboards to once again populate and dominate all beach break spaces.
Once a precedent has been set in the Northern beaches area, sleeper cells across the Australian East Coast will activate protocols to seize control of Councils and Surf Life saving clubs the length and breadth of the the Eastern seaboard.
Operation Monochrome will then be implemented on a coastwide scale, handing dominance over the beach break space back to bodyboarders!
We already own the reefs, and we will once again own the beaches!
Viva la bodyboard, Viva la revolution!