Maximus Depius Pitious.
By Dan Dobbin.
The list of celebrity converts to the legion of Morey is growing by the day it seems.
Hot on the heals of the highly speculative and substantially unsubstantiated rumour that none other that Thor Hemsworth himself was the purchaser of the now holy relic that is the Ben 001, comes the news that New Zealand’s most famous phone thrower “Rusty” Russell Crowe was spotted ripping up Newcastle Harbour during the last East Coast low swell event.
Crowe, famous for his brooding, hyper-masculine character betrayals in Hollywood blockbusters like Gladiator, Master and Commander and Romper Stomper, saving the South Sydney Rabbitohs Rugby league team from extinction and transformation from heart throb to hobo recently revealed his secret booging history in an interview with online blog ” Stained Trackpants Monthly”.
“I did a bit of early gut sliding on a mates old Mach 4 when I lived in Vaucluse but it had skegs in it so I couldn’t really nail all the 360’s or ‘twizzers’ as we called them that were big with the Northern beaches crew like Nick and Alex Gibbs and Simon Duckworth.
Like any good Kiwi I’d try to surf Bondi as much as could. It was the closest beach to the ‘cluse and I used to love just pulling into close outs on the big south swells. Was a hell of a place back then old Bondi, lots of junkies and skin heads, guys I took inspiration from when I starred in Romper Stomper.
I really fell in love with the boog when I moved back with my family to uNZed from Australia when I was fourteen. I was lucky enough to score a custom shaped Rheopaipo, back when they were just called Paipo, from none other than Indonesian overlord Mez straight from the factory when he was just starting out his shaping career. I bet those born agains over at the VBC would love to get their hands on that one! I actually use it as the shelf for my Academy Award for “Gladiator” and BAFTA for “A Beautiful Mind”. I used to surf Piha alot, mostly the Northern end because I was only learning at that stage.
Then I moved back to OZ again and my career really took off so I really couldn’t boog that much. I tried to surf a bit when I was living in L.A. in the 90’s but if you’ve seen the original “Point Break” you’d know alot of the Californian beaches were pretty heavily localized back then.
I actually copped a few “Go back to the Valley” calls myself but after I cracked a few cunts I got myself pretty much blackballed from a few spots. I didn’t really care, surf’s normally shitter than Bondi in summer at most Cali beaches anyway”.
After seeing the footage, we drop by Rusty’s Nana Glen farm one sunday after a Coffs Coast Bodyboarding Association Comp to find out more.
Crowe was in a joyous mood after his beloved Bunnies had just pulled of a come from behind victory against the North Queensland Cowboys the night before.
” Yer, I’ve been back on the boog a bit lately, I just surf Emerald beach mostly, just because it’s close to home. I did surf the reef a bit with the boys when it was on in that last big 4 metre swell we got in mid June, showed Dion Myers and Scotty Mason how it was done. Even scored a psycho day out the Well by myself, went full Maximus mode out there and just charged it, no one around. Scary, but it just felt so good to get some solid nuggets.
I was in Newy when that Harbour session went down because I was sounding out Kalyn Ponga to see if he had an interest in coming to the Bunnies to replace Alex Johnston next year on our wing. He’d be good insurance to have around to play fullback if Latrell went and decided to shoot off a few guns and then plaster it all over social media again in the off season.
Anyway, that swell looked perfect for Moon Island but when I got there Garth McGregor was in the carpark and he told me he was going out, but that I wasn’t allowed to surf it because he’d heard I was trying to pinch Ponga from the Knights. Now the old Rusty would have cracked him, but I’ve matured with age, so I copped it sweet and just went and surfed the Harbour.
It’s funny you know, heaps of guys kept calling me into waves, but they were actually saying ‘Go Garth’ thinking I was the old Solid bodyboard shop proprietor. I do see the resemblance now that I think about it. Long hair, greying beard, disheveled appearence, portly midsection.
Once I realized what was going on I channeled my acting experience and got right into character, pretending I was Garth. Charging, taking off late, really driving and grinding my rails and pretty much burning ever cunt out there. I didn’t look back once the whole session. If I wanted a wave I’d just go, even if I’d just had a whole bunch of good ones before it. Had a great surf, not sure if everyone else did, but fuck em, you know.
I think I might cruise south again next time it’s big and try the same trick out Moon, you never know your luck.
Anyway, you want a beer?”
Rusty in character as Garth.