The Bodyboarders Guide To Surviving Covid-19.

A Community Service Announcement.

1. Ensure safe social distancing. If anyone paddles out to the peak that you are surfing, tell them to please comply with Australian Federal government policy and fuck off down the beach.

2. Any reef break with a take off area smaller than 5 metres will be restricted to you and a mate. First in, best-dressed rule applies, so set your alarm clocks for pre-dawn and be prepared for a long wait standing on the reef until the tide fills in enough to safely catch waves.

3. Avoid wave pools at all costs. Those things are a cesspit of disease. Remember the brain-eating amoeba in the BSR pool in Waco that killed a guy?

4. Due to the global toilet paper shortage, the releasing of the aqua bog upon paddle out is now encouraged. Earth coloured wetsuits such as brown or khaki are now
preferable to help hide the shit stains.

5. Discourage travel by outsiders to your area. Boldly writing or tattooing the postcode of the shitty coastal ghetto in which you reside anywhere and everywhere should do the trick. Any car with number plates from outside your state should be treated with extreme prejudice.

6. Begin unnecessarily hoarding resources and be prepared to pay exorbitant prices for objects that were once commonplace and unremarkable. The anal-retentive, paper clip counting, drooling O.C.D. freaks over at the Vintage Bodyboard Collective Facebook group can offer sage advice here.

7. Due to the well-known anti-viral and anti-bacterial properties of silver, boards with a combination of this deck or slick colour are considered the safest choice.

8. Similarly, even though no serious bodyboarder would actually be
caught dead using a pair, the silicone base of Hydro 2 fins is also virus
resistance. Time to embrace your inner kook for the sake of your health.

9. Party waves of any kind are strictly forbidden.

10. No one wants to be quarantined into a third world shithole for an extended duration, so overseas travel should be cancelled. Residents of Queensland can ignore this one, because they are already used to living like this.

Feel free to add your own advice in the comments section below!


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